DOES DATING A FEMALE PROVIDER MAKE YOU LESS OF A MAN?

Cold Open And Meet The Guest

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Oh my god, I just totally got catfished.

SPEAKER_00 0:04

He looks absolutely nothing like his picture. So I found out the guy that I've been dating is married with kids. His wife just reached out to me.

SPEAKER_01 0:15

Welcome to the Meat Market. The single scene is a slaughterhouse, and we are here to devour it. We are your hosts. I'm Lindsay. And today's sizzling single is Heather. Welcome. Thank you. So you are a podcast pro. What is your podcast about?

SPEAKER_03 0:28

Well, I wouldn't say pro just yet. I love to have that a marker. So my podcast is actually about finding yourself, loving yourself for the longest time. And I'm 40 now, 42, actually. I like to keep it young. But it's a long journey of finding myself and self-love. And so there was a lot that I had to go through, trials and tribulations. So it's really working through just discovering yourself and then also breaking down the systems that don't work. You know, there's a lot of topics like homelessness or mental health that just aren't talked about in a roundabout way where we have solutions. So that's what I bring to my podcast, Dear Heather.

SPEAKER_01 1:08

That sounds like a great podcast. I feel like that's much needed in this society that we live in. Like it's hard to love yourself nowadays, you know? Absolutely. It's very easy to get down and depressed about everything. And, you know?

SPEAKER_03 1:19

Yeah.

People Pleasing And Losing Yourself

SPEAKER_03 1:20

Well, for me, I didn't know that I didn't know myself until I realized that it was as simple as looking down at my phone and having that uncomfortable feeling of, I don't even want to answer this. And then that spiraled into, am I a self-pleaser? I was looking around my house and I had everything decorated to appease everybody else, either the guy I was dating, my family. And then I had to sit with myself and ask, am I doing this for am I living my life for everybody else or am I living my life for myself? And yeah, it spiraled into this big realization that I didn't even know who I was because I was always servicing other people.

SPEAKER_01 1:57

It's exhausting. I'm kind of the same way. I have a hard time saying no. I'm a people pleaser too. I'm have such a hard time. And it can be exhausting and it can make you miserable.

SPEAKER_00 2:06

Well, and especially for you, because you'll say yes to someone's face and then immediately turn around and go, I just said yes to them. Why did I do that? Yes. Like now I have to figure out how to get out of.

SPEAKER_01 2:16

Oh, it's a tangle. Well, we why didn't I just say no? Exactly.

SPEAKER_03 2:20

It's like the immediate guilties of like, oh dear. Because I don't like making a lot of plans either. Cause I always have that regret of, am I gonna want to do that in the moment? I'm always that yes person. But lately, since the last two years, I've really honored exactly what I'm feeling, and I've lost a lot of people because of it, and I've upset a lot of people. But if you're not respecting and honoring yourself, then no one is going

Boundaries That Actually Hold

SPEAKER_03 2:43

to do that. And I think that that part plays a huge part and role in dating these days as well. So you really have to set the standard for yourself on how others are gonna treat you. We hear that since the dawn of time, and I think that it is so important to really, really honor that for yourself.

SPEAKER_00 2:59

Well, and people say they love themselves and they say, These are my boundaries, X, Y, and Z. And then it comes down to it, and the other person tests the boundary one time and they cave. And it's like, so are you really, you know, it's like you need if you set a boundary, if you say, This is my expectation, right? Like, as soon as that's tested, if you're not firm in what you've set forth already, you've just basically just ruined it for the whole relationship because you've just now told that other person what I say doesn't really matter because you can do whatever you want.

SPEAKER_03 3:36

Absolutely. Again, it goes back to that very common saying of why buy the cow if you get the milk. And it goes very true and along the lines with your boundaries. And I would, and I feel like you get tested often right as you say that you're gonna put in boundaries and then you're you're faced with it, right? And then it's like either you're gonna go for it and you're gonna set your boundaries, you're gonna stick to it, or you're gonna cave and you're gonna follow the same behavioral patterns, you're gonna end up having the same experiences over and over. And so the last two years, dating life has looked a lot differently because of those uh just standards that I've set for myself and others that are in my life. And again, it gets lonely. You are gonna dating gets a less frequent because people don't want to do the work, and so they're not gonna show up. They're gonna avoid doing the things that they don't want to do. So boundaries are a very, I guess you can call it a mirror in a way of the true people in your life, even dating, friendships, even family, and for yourself of really hardcore. How hardcore are you advocating for yourself? Because no one's gonna do that. No one's gonna set a boundary for you realistically. No one's gonna be like, whoa, I shouldn't be doing that for you. Or people are who they are.

SPEAKER_00 4:53

Like people are who they show you that they are. If you allow someone to treat you one way once, they're going to continue to treat you that way. It's true. Even if you say, this was just a one-time thing, I'm not gonna let it slide again, they're going to do it again. You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_03 5:09

And I think that the more solid you get with your boundaries, you're gonna have less patience for the repeated behavior. And it is on you if, say, you let something slide. For me, I'm a big data person. So I like to sit and observe. If you cross my boundary once, I might not cut you off, cutthroat, but I'm observing everything that you're doing, how you're treating me. We've already had the conversation. So if we have to have this conversation two or three more times, you're out. And that again, it goes along with friendships, relationships, peers, anything. And so if you want something out of your life, you have to set, you have to set

Toxic Patterns And Attachment Styles

SPEAKER_03 5:48

that platform.

SPEAKER_01 5:48

What's your longest relationship?

SPEAKER_03 5:50

Okay, that's kind of funny. So again, I'm 42 and I really didn't know myself so for the longest time. And when I look back on relationships, I had a lot of toxic relationships. So I could have a relationship that lasted four years, but very turbulent. So it wasn't a straight on. Four years, it was on and off and on and off. And I don't, I can't really measure the time. I would say around three and a half years, but again, that very toxic on and off atmosphere and environment. However, I don't think I was ready for anything longer or more stable than that because I didn't love myself. So, how can you possibly have a healthy relationship if you're not showing up exactly how you are?

SPEAKER_01 6:38

So, why do you think it was toxic? Do you think it was the men you were choosing?

SPEAKER_03 6:42

Oh, I think if you don't love yourself, you're gonna find somebody on the same playing field. You are literally going to attract what you are putting out into the world, whether you're trying to fill a void, whether you're insecure, whether you allow them to walk all over you and ignore your boundaries. So I feel that I was in these toxic, toxic relationships because I wasn't fully showing up as myself. I didn't love myself. And so I was choosing mirror partners. And it was just a playing field of toxicity after toxicity, and different seasons were different hardships. So a lot of the time when I was younger, I was a what is the word? Not an avoidant, but the chaser, the very anxious attachment. Yes. And now when I've set my boundaries, it's a whole other level of dating. It's not that I'm a runner or an avoidant by any means, but I really do don't give that much time if I'm seeing the red flags that I've seen for so long in my past. I again I I observe, but I won't allow it to happen very long. So these I don't situationships don't la they don't get very far.

SPEAKER_01 8:00

So what changed? What made the switch flip?

SPEAKER_03 8:04

Yeah, I think so.

The Wake Up Moment At Forty

SPEAKER_03 8:06

I not to get too deep, because I want to keep this really light, but and I talk about this often. The a big aha moment, I tried to take my life when I was 18, and it was a result I had depression and anxiety growing up. I didn't know what that was. We never really talked about that. But again, I think that played into toxic relationships as well. Because unless you really get to the granulars of what is going on internally, you can't show up for somebody else. So when I finally admitted to myself that I went through this time of life where I tried to take my life, it was very embarrassing. You carry a lot of shame with that. So again, I'm hiding part of myself for 20 years. And there was a point where I was just over hiding any part of myself. If I am going to go all out, it was really when I hit 40, I didn't want to waste another 40 years not living my most amazing life. And with that, I became a very savage type of personality of be completely honest with yourself, face the fears, face the grief, face the shame, start talking about it. You obviously went through this to help other people. And it was it, that's what clicked for me. That's when I started loving myself. And when you love yourself, you don't, again, you don't accept that behavior. It's just not an option.

SPEAKER_00 9:28

Have you ever experienced a healthy love, like healthy love and affection from a partner?

SPEAKER_03 9:35

I don't think so. That's a very interesting question. No, but you know, now I'm so like I have everything to offer. So it's like, you know, I'm such at a healthy place and I know what a healthy relationship would be.

Swipe Culture And Shifting Gender Roles

SPEAKER_03 9:49

But now it's weird time for dating because there's so much escapism right now. And now that I'm finally fully myself, we're living in the land of dating apps, you know, the swipe culture and everything else that you hear out there. And no one really wants to do the work. And I don't think that people fall back on boundaries to have an excuse to move on quickly. I think that they just they want it easy. And unfortunately, relationships aren't that easy. They should be fun. Yes, there should be lust and all of the greatness that comes with dating, but there's work there too. You gotta be real with yourself. You need to be accountable and you need to be willing to step up to the plate and you need to be willing to treat that person how you want to be treated. And a lot of people just want, you know, me, me, me. Or on the other end, there are people that just want to give, give, give. And I don't think either of those scenarios really work for anybody.

SPEAKER_01 10:44

Well, you made the good point. Relationships are work, marriages are work, and I think that's why the divorce rate is so high now. And back in the day, it wasn't because back in the day, people were willing to work. They were, they were willing to put in the work to make it work. Now they just throw it away. They're just like, I don't want to do the work, I'll toss it and get a new one, you know? Trade it in.

SPEAKER_03 11:02

Yeah, and I think back then it was so different. Like that was almost what you were expected to do. And it was so taboo to get a divorce. Or and I was growing up, I think, when divorce started becoming a uh an increased thing. You know, it wasn't abnormal, but it wasn't normal by any means. And I grew up in a very small town, so even then, you know, you got that rural lifestyle where everybody knows everybody. And yeah, it's just an interesting dynamic how that switched. And you see it again with like role reversal these days. Women are turning masculine, the the men are turning not even feminine. I don't think that they're being vulnerable enough with the feminine side. So they're dealing with a lot of escapism and you know, the ego, and no one's really stepping back and and wanting those true relationships. I can't figure it out. I don't know what's going on. And I I chalk it up to well, now I have boundaries and all these things, and now we're in the swipe culture, and you know, all the odds are stacked against you, and we're in Scottsdale on top of it. So, you know, add insult to injury, it's very difficult.

SPEAKER_01 12:04

And I think because there are so many options with the dating apps, when something's broken, you don't take the time to fix it. You just start again. Whereas, like I said, back in the days, they took the time to fix what was broken.

SPEAKER_00 12:15

But it's also not even options with the dating apps because as women, we now have options as far as what we want to do with our lives. Fifty years ago, women's only option was to get married. That's actually true. Because women couldn't vote, women couldn't own a house, women couldn't open a bank account without uh, you know, their husband. So it's like all these things. So it's like now as women, we can choose the life that we want to live. And so we're dating men, we're not that not that we don't need men, but we're dating men based on their character now, not because based on the content of their character. Yes. And so it's like, you know, men have to have more than a signature to co-sign a bank account for us, you know. They have to have substance and depth and emotional intelligence. And it's like, if they're not evolving with the times, you know, how are we supposed to sort of evolve with that?

SPEAKER_03 13:11

That's an interesting point. I think that brings another thought into my mind about why there is such difficulty. I would imagine that men are confused on what their role is anymore. I I think so.

SPEAKER_00 13:24

I think it is confusing, you know, because it's like just the evolution of the gender dynamics in relationships, if you think about, you know, like how far we've come in such little time. And it's like for the the brain and the the body to have to evolve with the times, right? It's like, how do you keep up? And we have all this information. And so it's like information overload. And so then you have the information, like the extreme, like red pill information on one end, and then you know, the opposite on it's just like what who do you choose to take your advice from, you know?

SPEAKER_03 14:06

Yeah, and I definitely think that men are the protectors, you know, uh holistically to the core, they want to protect. And holistically to the core, I want a safe place, and my partner likely wants a safe place also. But what does that look like? But if a man is inherently wanting to be the protector, but we're financially fine without them, we can be sexually fine without them. We are very independent, we are traveling more ourselves, we have the community of other female friends. So we have all this support. And then, I mean, I do kind of empathize and sympathize with these men that just really don't know where their role is.

SPEAKER_00 14:53

The good men, the good men who are confused and trying to figure it out because they are out there. It's like a lot of our episodes and stuff, especially when we have female guests, it's like, you know, the men, the men, the men, but it's like there are good men out there. It's just the information out there is so much and so confusing. And it's like we're in this place where I feel like no one really knows.

SPEAKER_03 15:20

I love that you mentioned that. And I feel like men again need that safe place, but I think we need to analyze and re-dive into what that means for both the feminine and masculine side of things.

Social Media Red Flags And Trust

SPEAKER_03 15:40

So, you know, as we are social media is a big part of it as well. The first thing I do when I'm interested in a guy, I go on his social if he has one, and I look at who you're following, and I look at the content that you're following. If it's all women in bikinis and all of the sort, and you don't have anything motivational, no bands that you like, no artists, nothing inspiring, it's all women, that's a no for me. That's a no. And I'm not gonna want to date you six down six months down the road and then try to change you because I already know that that's what you need.

SPEAKER_00 16:16

What if you bring it up to them and they tell you, I'll unfollow all of them?

SPEAKER_03 16:20

I think that would be a long, it would be a hefty conversation to have because I think a lot of people do the immediate, okay, I'll do this, knowing that they will reverse it later. So until you get to the core of why somebody's actually following those girls and why they need that type of thing, then that that is inside their core. Yeah, it feels good. My ego is gonna feel great that you're wanting to unfollow these. And in the past, that would really work with me because it was, I get the control, I get the power, and he must love me because he's like, But I don't want a man that has to give up his lifestyle for me either. I want him to come completely full. And if that means that you have to be lustful, I think that social media is a digital vision board. What you're looking at should be what you want out of life, right? And because you're looking at it every day, and there's power in visualization in that. I don't know if you're into manifestation or anything like that, but it it's a visual playground. And so yeah, I don't think I don't think it would be as easy as I'll just delete them all, because I I wouldn't, I would need to understand why.

SPEAKER_01 17:28

And will they really change? I mean, maybe in the beginning when you're in the honeymoon phase, but then after six months, when things get back to the, you know, when things are in the norm, he's probably gonna go back to that. He's gonna want that excitement.

SPEAKER_00 17:40

I feel like that's such a toxic thing. It's like a snap. It's like, okay, fine, I'll delete it.

SPEAKER_03 17:44

Yeah, and all also you're all handing the keys to them. You're saying, This bothers me. So now you know when we get in a fight or anything, or I make you upset. A lot of men will go back to what they know is going to work. Work, get your attention, and it's the wrong attention, trust me. Because if I see that you're trying to play with something that I told you really doesn't sit well with me, it's not gonna make me like you more. Yeah, it might really create that discomfort and like sadness. Okay, you achieved that, but you also achieve me not trusting you. And with when my trust is out the window, my safety's out the window,

Loyal And Rebellious Can Coexist

SPEAKER_03 18:22

you're out the window. So bye-bye.

SPEAKER_01 18:24

You made a video that I loved. You said it's possible to be loyal and rebellious. And I love that. It's possible to be a good girl and a bad girl. Have you heard that quote? When I'm good, I'm good. When I'm bad, I'm better. I like that though, how you said you can be loyal and rebellious at the same time.

SPEAKER_03 18:40

Yeah, I think that was part of my realization of self-love because I started looking at why I felt so trapped and why I didn't know who I was. And it was looking at my family, I thought I was the shy, nice girl. I followed the rules, all these things. My friends looked at me a different way. Some guys looked at me a different way, and I was fitting into buckets, and all of those things were true about me, but it was one sliver of me. I can be the happiest, I can be the whiniest, I could be the sassiest, I can be the bitchiest, I can be all these things, and those are all part of who Heather is. And I think we need to honor that instead of always having to be the kind person, the pleaser, the yes ma'am, or even if people wear that like steel shield of just being a bitch all the time. I mean, you are identifying as that, but why we need to take a step back and say, I don't need to be one thing. I am all these things. And the sooner that you can love yourself for the messy and the good and the beautiful and seeing all of it, then I think that that's your first step in like truly honoring yourself, loving yourself, and knowing yourself. Which again, to starting at the beginning, you don't a lot of people don't know that they don't know who they are. And so a lot of the time that that's where a lot of these problems stem from.

SPEAKER_01 19:54

Do you have any crazy fast

A First Date That Turned Dangerous

SPEAKER_01 19:56

date stories?

SPEAKER_03 19:56

Oh my gosh, I can't, I was I'm so ready for this one. Now, this first date story, I just want to preface it by saying not a lot of people know this, partially because I was embarrassed when it happened, and then time moved on and I completely forgot about it. So it's like this tucked away story, but it's so crazy that I'm like, how is how is this not out there? I'm gonna take you back to MySpace days. So we're talking about kind of there's dialogue, dude. So I'm gonna take us back to MySpace. And I've had quite a few crazy first date stories, but this one is a cake topper. So at that time, no dating apps, and we were using social media to meet people. It was at the beginning stages, right? And so at the time, I was talking to this one guy, I didn't know him, but we had chatted and we decided to meet. I think he might have been the first guy I met off online. And at that time, you know, pictures weren't good. I always, when I look back to the story, I'm like, God, I feel like it was a blind date, but it wasn't because I know that I had some idea of what this guy looked like, sounded like, you know, XYZ. And so I agreed to meet him. I was young, 20s, maybe I had to be been 21, 22 area. And we meet at Applebee's because that's like such a great spot to go.

SPEAKER_00 21:26

Were you in the Midwest at this time?

SPEAKER_03 21:27

I was here. Oh, you were here. Okay. Is Mid is Applebee's like a big Midwest date thing? Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 21:35

That was the place to go. Like when I was in high school, if a guy took you to the Applebee's, it was that was a big deal.

SPEAKER_03 21:41

I mean, I grew up in times where it was cool to hang out in Kmart parking lot.

SPEAKER_00 21:46

So I mean Well, I also had you had to drive an hour to get to the Applebee's. So that was another reason why it was a big deal.

SPEAKER_03 21:53

Oh, that's like luxury.

SPEAKER_01 21:55

You drove together on the first date and now to the Applebee's.

SPEAKER_00 22:00

I mean you would, but you knew them because there was only 500 people in the town. So you knew everybody. Like you knew who you were going out with, you know.

SPEAKER_03 22:07

Oh, so you're a small town girl as well. Okay. Yeah. I yeah, I understand.

SPEAKER_00 22:12

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 22:13

So we go to Applebee's. I and it was, I believe we met at like 8 39. So it was a little late. I mean, that's like late for me these days, but at that time it wasn't. And we had a couple drinks. It was going fine. I wasn't attracted to the guy, but I had a good buzz going on. And so he asked if I would go back to his apartment. He stated that his roommate had him and his roommate and his girlfriend over, and they would wanted us to go back there, play some games, we'll drink some more, and then maybe we'll all watch a movie together. We drove separately to Applebee's. And I was going to meet him at his apartment. I was going to follow him. Long story short, I ended up getting there 10 minutes after he did. And by the time I walked up, he was on the third story. By the time I got to his apartment door, all the lights were off inside. No roommate in sight. And he was really quiet. He gets me in, and I'm looking around because again, I wasn't attracted to him, but I wanted to keep the fun going. And so I started getting the red flags. This isn't what he said. So it does he even have a roommate. All this awkwardness, he ends up getting me into his room saying, We'll just watch a really quiet movie. I have this whiskey. So let's drink, we'll watch a movie. You can stay here. I wasn't attracted to him though. So I wasn't wanting that. And he gets me in his room. I'm sitting at the edge of the bed very in his very small room. And we're talking, there's three feet to this side window, or three stories up. This is an important part of the story. And then his TV, what area TV stands? I believe it was like Tempe. Tempi, okay. And then it's six feet to the door. And he had closed the door behind him. And by the time, and I forgot to mention this, when I had arrived, I could tell within that 10 minutes, even though it was 10 minutes behind him, he got intoxicated. I don't know if he chugged the whiskey, but he was definitely a little sideways. And so I'm trying to navigate through this, knowing that red flags, I don't want to stay here. It's uncomfortable, but I'm trying to digest everything. So I'm sitting at the edge of the bed and he's like, You can just lay down, I'll put on a movie. And he said he could see I wasn't moving or budging at this point. And I just said, I'm getting a little uncomfortable. I think I'm gonna go. It's getting late. I'm a little tired. And he shuts the door behind him and he starts pacing the room. And he's chugging his whiskey at the same time, and he's getting angrier and angrier. And I can't remember exactly what the conversation was about. But he then takes my purse because I said I wanted to leave. And he says, if you leave, I'm gonna call the cops. You had drinks at Applebee's. And at this point, I'm like sober as shit because I'm scared. And I only had two drinks at Applebee's or something along those lines. And he's pacing the room and he's getting drunk, and he's talking to himself, has my purse hostage, and he he says, You're not leaving. And then all of a sudden, he kneels to the side of the bed, and I'm sitting here, and he kneels to the side of the bed, gets something from underneath the bed, and he pulls out a gun.

SPEAKER_01 25:33

Oh, hell no.

SPEAKER_03 25:34

No, I'm I'm not even kidding. And I'm telling you that we're three stories up. The only way out, I can't go to the window. His door is locked, and it's six feet. So I don't have by the time I'm running to the door, he could very easily grab me. So I'm like watching, I'm collecting data at this point, seeing his behavior and his pattern. And I noticed that every time he would get to this side of the room, he would take a swig of his whiskey. So I was calculating the time in which it was happening, and I just kept thinking, I have to book it to that door, somehow unlock it and run and hope that this roommate exists. And so the time had come. He takes a chug of his whiskey and I beeline it for the door. End up getting out, I run full. The apartment itself was big. So I had to run across the living room, across the kitchen, and I'm banging on the only door I see that was closed. And it seemed like hours, but within, I would imagine, uh, seconds, his roommate answers the door, opens the door, disheveled. His girlfriend's there. They're like half clothed. You can tell that they're, you know, and I was just frantically, your roommate is trying to kill me. You need to get me out of here. Call the police, call the police. Meanwhile, I don't know what he's doing behind me. And so at one point, we all look back, and he had taken my purse, went to the about the front door, which had like an overstep, and he's emptying my purse across out. So my keys, he threw my keys somewhere, somewhere. And all my stuff was disheveled three stories down. Oh God. And he looks at his roommate and he says, This is how he wanted to navigate and narrate this story. She's drunk. I can't let her leave. She is freaking out. She's crazy. I don't know what happened. And I say, no, go check. He has a gun. He has a gun. You guys have to. I go, call the cops, call the cops. The guy, I don't know if his roommate called the cops first or this guy called the cops first because he ended up threatening, I'm gonna call the cops if you leave because you've been drinking. And so the cops get there. I mean, all this was very blurry, but I do, I do recollect that the police get there, my stuff is scattered everywhere. This guy's intoxicated, I'm sober, he's telling the cops he just didn't want me to leave. They find the gun, they arrest the guy because he was like attempting some kind of harm on me. And his whole narrative about me being drunk was just not truth because the cops had let me drive home after they interviewed me, and I got a good scolding from the cops. Never meet a stranger, never go back to their place. I mean, it's embarrassing, all the things that I'm trapped in a room with, you know, a gun. I've never had a gun in my face like that before. So that's my first story or my first date story that went completely wrong. And it was very scary because I really didn't know if I was gonna lose my life. That was my first and last video or my first and last date, first date.

SPEAKER_00 28:36

So that's crazy. And now is Applebee's a red flag for you if a guy wants to take you to Applebee's.

SPEAKER_03 28:41

I have not been to Applebee's how much.

SPEAKER_00 28:42

You have like a drama.

SPEAKER_03 28:44

I don't want no margarita. I don't know what they put in that margarita, but it got me back to this guy's crazy place.

SPEAKER_01 28:50

Have you ever walked out mid-date?

SPEAKER_03 28:54

I have not, but I've been close. I have had friends set me up on blind dates, and I'm always very systematic with how I do that. It's always somewhere where I can drive by, I can see you sitting on the patio, so I can get a little bit of a gist of what I'm meeting before I walk in. And immediately I noticed this guy that I was set up on a blind date with, and he was sitting on the patio, and I had a friend with me. I'm like, okay, if this is not a guy I'm gonna be interested in, you're gonna have to pretend to run into me, and then we're gonna leave together. And lo and behold, did I walk out? No, but did I craft a situation where I would meet the guy and then shortly after have to leave because my friend quote unquote ran into me and I wanted to leave early and let him down a little easy. So yeah, and it wasn't anything he he did, it just was nothing that he was claiming physically. At that time, I was more into looks. Now I could care less, it's all about heart and how you're gonna treat me at that time.

Cheating Stories And Action Based Love

SPEAKER_01 29:55

Have you been cheated on?

SPEAKER_03 29:56

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 29:57

How did you find out?

SPEAKER_03 29:58

Okay, so I want to say later in my years, let's say 30 to 40, I haven't really experienced anything like that, like toxic relationships that would actually be something where they would cheat on me. But again, young 20s, we were all I was always in toxic relationships. So actually the one story I do want to talk about, what did happen when I was late 20s, and it was with the the first guy I fell in love with. So 17, 18, why I actually ended up trying to take my life was because it was going through a really bad breakup with this guy, my first love. And he was the one I was with almost four years. And he came back into my life 10 years later. So 27, 28, this guy came back in. He had already been married, now getting a divorce. He has a child, same age as what how old my son was at the time. And he came back in, swooping in, like, you know, a knight in shiny shining armor, saying he thought about me the whole last 10 years, even through his marriage, you know, his wife slash ex-wife had always asked about me, you know, because she always knew that I was his love of his life. And he really got back into my life and into my good graces and kind of was borderline living with me at the time. And the whole time he was talking to somebody else in in Colorado. So I didn't physically see anything happen, but I had to see the remnants of what that looked like the betrayal of talking to someone else after you're claiming up and down after 10 years that you've wanted nothing but to be with me and start a new life and everything in that manner. But I mean, that it was like a double blow. You know, that's when I say the universe tries to test you of putting something right in front of you that you've already kind of overcome and you know is bad news. It will test you again. And it sure did. And it was devastating, just as devastating as it was the first time. But again, I think that those situations really teach you how to hone in on not being.

SPEAKER_01 32:15

I feel like there's a reason people break up in the first place. And it always happens where they try again and they think they've changed, but it never seems to work.

SPEAKER_00 32:22

Well, and we just said that like people are who they are. Yeah. And when people show you who they are in the beginning, you should trust that that is who they are, unless they've done the work. And it sounds like he didn't do the work, all he did was went and got married. And it's like if you don't actually do the work to fix what's broken, it's like you're gonna say who who you are. You're gonna stay in the lot of times.

SPEAKER_03 32:47

I don't know if if that's an easily read thing. I don't know if you can look at somebody and really know if they're doing the work. A lot of people lie to themselves. Yes. I mean, I was a product of that for uh almost 40 years. You know, you don't want to see the things you don't want to see. And so a lot of people talk a good game, they know what they need to do, but the strength it takes to actually do it is a whole different conversation. And a lot of people are good talkers and they learn what they need to say.

SPEAKER_00 33:14

Yeah, like he spent 10 years with his ex-wife learning exactly what he needed to say, and then he came back to you with the lessons that he learned from her and tried to basically and that's why I'm so action-based.

SPEAKER_03 33:28

I don't care, you can sing me a lullaby every single day about how great you are. If your actions aren't showing that, adios. Sorry, no time, because I actually do what I say and I expect that in return. Because if I'm gonna full up if I'm gonna show up fully, you need to also be showing up fully, or else it's just not gonna work. I'm gonna be overcompensating and you're just gonna get lazier in the relationship alongside of it. So you know, again, those good old boundaries and like knowing your words.

SPEAKER_00 34:01

Do you have a physical type?

SPEAKER_03 34:04

I've always had a physical type, and it's always been um very non-American looking.

SPEAKER_01 34:10

Really? Yes. What you mean like European, like well dressed, clean cut?

SPEAKER_03 34:15

Spanish, more Spanish. Now I don't know, I don't have any type. Honestly, it's an energy thing for me. I can look at somebody that is completely different, completely different than what I would normally go for on paper and have fallen for them harder than I would have fallen for anybody else. So it's really an intimacy and safety thing for me now. And it's funny, when you start to get to know somebody, you don't even really start seeing their physical appearance. You start seeing, you start seeing them for how they make you feel. And so I think that's so important to not be lustful because that I mean it's fun. I love looking at a good looking man, trust me. But that isn't that doesn't make me feel good if it's not giving me everything that I'm putting out there.

SPEAKER_01 35:05

Are you ready for it?

SPEAKER_00 35:06

I'm ready for it.

Listener Question On Moving And Money

SPEAKER_00 35:07

The keep more minute, brought to you by Tactical Tax Strategies. They help you keep more in your wallet, we help you keep more in your relationship. So we have a listener question. Okay, this one's a long one. All right, I'm 33 and have recently met a girl. She's 28 years old, and things are going well. We click on many levels and are very newly exclusive, only for about a month. We really like each other and both have expressed that we could see this going places. There has been one thing that we have tension over, and it is that I feel like I am in a bit of a different stage of life. I am and have been a working professional, and she is a graduate student. I'm ready to buy a house, and she is far off from that on her own and openly admits this. We live in the Washington, D.C. area, and real estate here is insane. It's so expensive that if I buy in this city or immediate area, I would have to make some serious compromises, like where to buy and what to buy. For example, I'd rather not buy a condo in an area that I don't really love. There is a town about an hour away with no traffic. It's a little smaller and really quite lovely. There is plenty of culture, good restaurants, breweries and wineries, a cool community theater and a local music venue. I love to kayak and have gotten her into it. And this town would be so much closer to our favorite kayak spot. The biggest plus is it's so much more affordable. I could buy a starter home there, no problem, working remotely two to three days a week, and the commute when needed via the train is no big deal. However, she does not like the idea of living this far outside of the city as she wants a job in the city and does not see herself living in this small town. But she says that she's open to living together sooner rather than later. She could also work a partly remote job after she graduates, but does not want to. She rents a place in the city and does not see herself being ready to buy a house for some years. She doesn't love the idea of me buying a house in this small town, but I don't think that dating with my house in this town and her remaining in the city would really be that hard. I'm not desperate for a relationship, but I am ready for one and was excited to have met her and don't really want this to be the beginning of the end. Just looking for some advice on what I should do.

SPEAKER_03 37:30

Wow, that's a lot to unpack.

SPEAKER_01 37:32

They kind of want different things, I feel different lifestyles.

SPEAKER_03 37:37

That's that's a great point. I think lifestyle is a huge topic that you need to get granular and digest what that means for each one of you before, and again, you don't want somebody that's willing to move their whole life, and on the other end, someone's not willing to budge at all. I think that they're obviously compromise is a huge thing of a relationship. And I mean, why not try, if you're really serious, try moving to the small town and then eventually when time is better, get to the city. I think my my whole thing is not necessarily the journey of how you get there. I think the biggest factor is understanding and being on the same, the same, same wavelength if you guys want to be together and what you're willing to do to make that work. Because if I find somebody that is someone I'm taking serious, nothing will get in my way. And I have a son, you know, I have a career, I have all the things, but there is nothing that would stop me from making it work and compromising with somebody that I truly feel I could have long-term potential with.

SPEAKER_00 38:45

Well, and it sounds like he's willing to do that because he's like, I could still go into the city a couple days a week by the train. I think we could still date if I lived there and she lived here. Like it sounds like he's willing to compromise and continue the relationship, even if they live that far apart. But she is not. And so I don't know. And they've only been exclusive for a month. Like, I feel like I feel like do what makes you happy. Like, if he's gonna be happy buying the house, buy the house. I love it.

SPEAKER_01 39:17

Do what you want to do, especially a month in. Yeah, don't change your plans for someone that you've been with a month. Yeah, because then if it doesn't work out, then you've made that decision based on them and it didn't work out.

SPEAKER_03 39:25

So what a waste! Absolutely. I love that you went right back to like again, honoring yourself. You gotta do, and I don't know, like you wanna feel like you're wanted and loved as well. So, you know, if she is not, she's kind of one foot out and you're two feet in, I think that that is yeah, a lifestyle difference, number one. And number two, he definitely seems like he's doing more of the work. But yeah, you gotta go. If if he's not wanting to be Washington, ready for the move, do it, but do it for you for sure.

SPEAKER_00 39:59

Well, and two, I feel like if she's in graduate school, so he's a working professional and she's in graduate school, they're setting themselves up for a financial future where they could have a house in the suburbs and rent an apartment in the city. You know what I mean? Like it's like best of both worlds. You could, I feel like that's a type of relationship that you could have the best of it. If you're smart about it. Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 40:22

Speaking of

Bungee Jumping Horror And Safety Checks

SPEAKER_01 40:23

speaking of if you're smart about it, did you guys see that video of the girl who went bungee jumping in Brazil?

SPEAKER_03 40:28

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_01 40:29

21 years old. And there were three people that were working there, and you see the video of them holding her up, and you see the cord on the floor, not attached, and they just throw her off. How does this happen?

SPEAKER_03 40:43

In front of her fiance, I want to say, how did nobody catch that though? And don't you have to do safety? Every time I see a paragliding or anything, even with jumping out of a plane, parachuting, you check your safety gear. I was gonna say kind of.

SPEAKER_00 40:58

Every time I've ever jumped off a cliff, there have been like multiple safety checks.

SPEAKER_01 41:03

Like they check and double check and triple check. But the business closed down a few years ago, but people were still paying them like 30 bucks so cheap. 30 bucks to do this. But my question is, why didn't the fiance check that she was attached to the cord? If your fiance was jumping off a cliff, wouldn't you bloody make sure? And I feel like looking at the video, you can tell the cord's not attached. What was he doing? The fiancé did he make a couple of things.

SPEAKER_00 41:25

It's just like a pie in a pile on the floor, on the ground, right?

SPEAKER_01 41:27

And like, so people are thinking, how does this happen? He's this has got to be intentional. Did the fiance plan this?

SPEAKER_00 41:35

Because the other thing that I read, so I didn't watch the video because I just like couldn't watch it, but I saw the photos and I read some of the some of the articles. And one of the articles said that an eyewitness saw someone from the company because when she landed, someone ran to her. I think a nurse, there was a nurse or something and she was still alive when she landed. And apparently another eyewitness said they saw someone from the company run to her because she paid an extra like $30 to have a GoPro camera attached. And someone from the company ran and took the GoPro camera off of her body. And so they haven't gotten that footage or released that footage or something like that to where they So what are they trying to hide? I'm not sure.

SPEAKER_01 42:23

Seems like they're trying to hide something if they took the camera.

SPEAKER_03 42:27

Well, also the reaction, if you hear the background, I would have been reacting immediately. It feels like it took a minute for people to like click on what actually happened.

SPEAKER_01 42:37

I mean, people didn't know what actually happened. That's disturbing though. It's so disturbing. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 42:42

Have you have jumped off of cliffs before? Well, like bungee jumping and stuff. Like or like, you know, those like you know, those like like bungee swing things that go like over the Royal Gorge and like into the Grand Canyon, like stuff like that.

SPEAKER_03 42:56

You know, like hard to roll for you. I'm risk-avoidant. I only go on blind dates and uh allow guns in the room.

SPEAKER_01 43:08

Now it's time for the celebrity cup where we marinate in the juices of the celebrities. Did

Maternal Instinct Documentary And Deception

SPEAKER_01 43:12

you guys watch that documentary, Maternal Instinct? Yes.

SPEAKER_03 43:17

Oh, I'm trying to think back to what give me some So I'm sure you read about this in the news years ago.

SPEAKER_01 43:23

It's very disturbing. Oh, yeah, I already know. But the documentary starts with this woman calling 911, she's in her car, and she claims she just gave birth to this baby. The baby's not breathing, the placenta's there, the umbilical cord is there, you need to take me to the hospital, my baby is dying. They get her to the hospital, they test her vagina, she did not give birth, they test her hormones, she was never pregnant. What the hell? So then this whole documentary is before how did this lead up to this moment. She's this really pretty girl, right, from Texas, beautiful, just crazy. She meets this guy, they live the country lifestyle, she lies about everything. She lies about how much money she has. Apparently, she's an heir to this. Oil company and she has $8 million coming to her. So they buy a brand new truck and they buy a brand new four-wheel and they put an offering for a $20 million ranch, which never happens. Um, but then she claims she's pregnant. So she posts on social media how she's pregnant, and people are reaching out to her. They're like, uh, you had a hysterectomy. Like you could not be pregnant. Like she had two kids in the past that she didn't take care of, and she had a hysterectomy, so she can never have kids. So it starts getting out because it's a small town, and they start warning the family, but but the husband doesn't believe her. Because she, her name is Taylor, right? Taylor is like, My mom's crazy. She's trying to sabotage this, she never wants me to be happy. She's telling people to lie so that you will leave me. So it goes on, and like right before she gives birth, I guess she sends the husband away to go buy some hogs, which there was never a hog deal, but she just wants to get rid of him so she can go to a friend that she knows is pregnant and literally cut the baby out of her friend. Does a C She looks up on YouTube how to do a C-section. And she freaking does a C-section on this girl that she knows. So successfully? She takes the baby out. The baby did not live, unfortunately. Oh my god, I was gonna say the mother and the baby both passed, and then she's in jail on death. The youngest woman in death row in Texas.

SPEAKER_00 45:17

Damn.

SPEAKER_01 45:18

Freaking crazy!

SPEAKER_03 45:19

Yeah, and they just discovered that the woman that had the baby inside of her taken out was alive while that was happening. She was fighting for with everything that she had to keep her baby inside and fight off this Taylor girl. You just never know. That's crazy. People are crazy. There's just as many crazy women out there. Oh my god.

SPEAKER_01 45:39

I saw that documentary The Crash, and I thought she was Mackenzie Shriller was crazy. Then I saw this one. I'm like, man, bitches be crazy. But I have a question. So this girl was Googling fake ultrasounds. You can buy fake ultrasounds and put the date and put your name in. Why do they allow this? Why are you able to buy fake ultrasounds?

SPEAKER_00 45:57

I think you can buy fake pretty much anything on she bought a fake belly.

SPEAKER_01 46:02

Like what? Like it's kind of disturbing that you're faking pregnancies, faking ultrasounds.

SPEAKER_00 46:07

Well, like there were rumors that I think it was Beyonce wore a fake baby bump, that she had her, like her last pregnancy, she had a surrogate and didn't want people to know. Why don't you want people to know? A surrogate. Like there's been celebrates there's been a lot of rumors about celebrities that have had surrogate.

SPEAKER_01 46:25

Because it's a surrogate, they don't get um the title. So in line for the air.

SPEAKER_00 46:29

Yeah. Um, so I think like for that reason, you can buy and like acting and stuff too. Like you can buy fake bellies, um, like prosthetic.

SPEAKER_01 46:40

Okay, the belly I can understand. Why would anyone need a fake ultrasound unless you're trying to scam someone? Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 46:46

That would be the only reason.

SPEAKER_03 46:48

Well, I think that's the whole thing. She was trying to scam. And if in the documentary, you can hear him very clearly, the husband or the soon-to-be husband of Taylor was saying, I never loved her. I was gonna marry her because of the baby, but I was never really truly in love with her. So instinctively, I think that she knew that. She just went a little too far.

SPEAKER_01 47:07

Yeah. Dang. Um, now it's time to get to know you with Zoya, sponsored by Zoya, your neighborhood yogurt.

Rapid Fire Red Flags And Farewell

SPEAKER_01 47:13

Rapid fire questions. Red flag or no? Make sure you split the bill on the first date.

SPEAKER_03 47:17

Oh, that's a red flag on the tenth date.

SPEAKER_01 47:21

Still follows their ex on Instagram.

SPEAKER_03 47:24

I would have to have a conversation about that, but I would that would be an a first off red flag.

SPEAKER_01 47:31

Bad tipper.

SPEAKER_03 47:32

Oh, red flag.

SPEAKER_01 47:33

Has no social media at all.

SPEAKER_03 47:36

Green flag.

SPEAKER_01 47:37

Where should someone not take you on a first date besides Applebee's?

SPEAKER_03 47:41

Their home, their room? Uh yeah, pretty much anywhere outside in the summer, that's a no-go.

SPEAKER_01 47:49

Is watching porn considered cheating? No. Before you're intimate, is it appropriate to ask your date how many people they've slept with? No. Is it acceptable to have sex on a first date?

SPEAKER_03 47:58

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 47:58

In one sentence, why should someone date you?

SPEAKER_03 48:02

Because I'm all the things. I am everything.

SPEAKER_01 48:05

Do you have a special talent that not many people know about or something unique, a unique fact that not many people?

SPEAKER_03 48:09

If I do, I haven't found it yet. So waiting.

SPEAKER_01 48:12

And last but not least, what is your favorite sexual position and why?

SPEAKER_03 48:16

Ooh, do I have to choose just one? I over time it's chang it changes. I think I like writing. I'm a I'm a big writer.

SPEAKER_01 48:28

Thank you so much for joining us this week at the Meat Market. And thank you so much, Heather. If you want to snag a date with Heather, go to any of our social media platforms at Meat Market Podcast. And thank you to our sponsor, Tactical Tax Strategies. If you want to preserve your wealth and keep more of your own money in your wallet where it belongs, you need to go to Tactical Tax Strategies. We'll see you next week at the Meat Market. Oh my god, I just totally got catfished. He looks absolutely nothing like his picture.

SPEAKER_00 48:52

So I found out the guy that I've been dating is married with kids. His wife just reached out to me.